What should children leave childhood equipped with? Nellie Harden

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your positive imprint.

What's your PI?

Nellie harden is a life coach and founder of the 6 5 7 0 family project.

Well, what do these numbers mean?

Well, Nellie is here to share what they mean.

And I do have to tell you that when I learned what these numbers were, I was so surprised as I never, not once, not as single time ever thought about it.

And these numbers are so important.

well here now is Nellie harden who is changing the world one living room at a time.

Self-discipline The art of learning

Nellie, it is so

awesome to have you here on the show from North Carolina, in United States there along the coast

thank you so much for having me.

Thank you so much for being here and sharing what you have to offer the world with your positive

imprints.

So Nellie, first, North

Carolina along the coast, that just sounds so peaceful.

Is that where you have lived your entire life?

No, not hardly so, and it is peaceful and it can be.

I'm from Michigan actually, right in the middle of the country, Northern middle.

And then my husband is from Indiana.

We met in college and we came to this small, small town where we now live.

, there's only.

About three, 4,000 people in the town that we live in.

And we came here for spring break on vacation when we were sophomores in college.

And we kept coming back many, many times over the years because it just had such a draw to us because it is peaceful.

It's a, it's an old fishing village.

Just on the, on the coast here.

And we could just go and be.

There was no pressures or anything like that.

And I think it was after our 15th vacation here that we were walking down the road and my husband's like, why do we keep leaving?

I.

Don't know.

And so, we had all of our babies at that point, and we took we took a family vote.

We came here for three weeks to see if we could not just vacation here, but also live, live, and I have it all in writing on the back of a pizza place mat that

Oh, the vote.

it, all the pros and cons.

So a little family gathering.

That's great.

I love that.

You are a life coach and you have this amazing family project called 6,570 Family Project, or 6 5 70.

And I, I was reading about it and it's so intriguing and I wish that, well, in a lot of ways I wish that I would've known this growing up because once you're grown up, That's it.

Well, , so 65 70 6,570.

That is, Plain and simple how many days are in the typical childhood mandated childhood today?

Right.

That's zero to 18.

So there's 6,570 days in 18 years.

Now where childhood really, really ends for each person is different.

But culturally, That's how long that they have before they are legally an adult.

They go off into the world and they're doing whatever that is that they're going to do.

And so for me, I've really had a long journey myself in getting here.

And I was a young woman that in my 6,570 days, the first ones of my entire life, that really, really do set the foundation for everything else that's going to happen in your life.

I had a lot of things that went on during those some great many not so great; different interpersonal things that were going on and all of this.

But when I left home which I left actually at 17, I just, I had graduated earlier and went off to college.

I would not have been able to tell you at that point or have the vocabulary or know-how, but looking back, I really was not ready to leave home because I didn't have this foundation and not necessarily

And because I didn't have this foundation and this foundation that we really work on in the 65 70 Family Project is all about worth, esteem and confidence going into adulthood.

And so, Where that comes from, how it's built in the family unit and the first half of childhood is different than the second half of childhood, which is where I really do a lot of my work.

And the brain development that's happening during that time and the cultural and the psychological, the, the biological and even faith, comes in there too.

It's such a pivotal time for that.

And so, My work is really at that cross section right there between those the second half of childhood, especially in raising daughters, because I have four

And I work with young women out in the community.

And my background, my entire background is biology, psychology.

And I was a young woman, so I get it, I still feel like I'm 17 many times, right?

And so it's just one of those I've made it further up the mountain.

So I'm turning around and helping others behind me get up as well.

And filling in those gaps for them and really teaching parents how to be incredibly intentional because today it is really easy to slip into and stay in survival mode and just get to the date of graduation

So let's talk about the work that needs to be done within the 65 70.

Yeah, every fam just like every person is different.

Every single family is very, very different.

And I am very sure to tell my clients when they come in or when I'm talking to prospective clients too.

My goal is not to make you my family by any means.

Like my family's my family.

We have our own brand of crazy, right?

I want to help you make your playbook for parenting and your playbook for how to raise your child because you know your child best.

I don't know your child best, you know your child best, and your child is trying to get through this gauntlet of, their tween and teen years as well.

And so that's the first thing is just understanding everybody's coming from a different perspective.

And the work I do is whole family work.

So I work with the parents, but in my program called Take the Lead it's all about.

Leading, helping parents lead their their daughters and, and kids with to love and lead them in a way that teaches them to love and lead themselves before they leave home.

So in Take the Lead, there's parent work and there's also child work in there.

And so, But in working with the whole family, understanding every family is its own.

There's four keystones that

we do in there.

And remember the whole point is to build this foundation of worth, esteem, and confidence.

But in order to do that, there's four Keytones that are paramount, and that first one is vision, and you have to figure out where you are in all of this, right?

Are we in survival mode?

Where do we even wanna go?

Have we even ever thought of where we wanna go?

What do we want our kid to leave childhood equipped with, right?

That's a big question that many parents never get the chance to or never think of, or are never asked, what do I actually want them to leave home equipped with?

Right?

And so figuring that out and then figuring out where you are in that, and then developing the path to get there.

And so, That's all.

A part of vision is where am I?

Where do I wanna go?

And then we have discipline.

And discipline, not consequence, not punishment, but discipline.

The art of learning.

Right?

That is going to teach you the way to connect those two points.

Because as you and I know, if you're going from coast to coast, there's a million different ways to get there.

But what's the best way for you to get there?

Right.

So, and what are some of those stops along the way that we are gonna make sure that we hit?

So that's all about discipline and learning and how do I discipline them in a way that teaches them to discipline themselves, not get stuck in this parent-led

Right.

And then we go into vulnerability.

And vulnerability is going to be able to give you the drive to go.

So not only I do I know where I am and know where I wanna go.

I have the way to get there, but I actually want to go right?

Because again, it's real easy for these walls to be built up between parents and kids Today.

You don't understand me.

You don't understand what I'm going through.

You didn't live in this generation.

You don't get it.

You're old.

You went to school, uphill both ways with snow type thing.

And then parents are like, I don't get you because you're going through all of these things and it's different.

It's not actually different.

So that vulnerability and communication piece is where you're going to find your common grounds.

You're gonna learn about one another in a way that you will be able to speak a language between the two of you that you might not have ever been able to understand before.

So that's a beautiful, beautiful stage.

And then we move into resilience.

So, In any journey, you have to know where you are, where you're going, the way to get there.

You want, you have to want to go, but you have to have the strength to make it as well.

And that's where the resilience piece comes in and all the tools, the mental, physical, emotional tools that you're going to need along the way.

So all of that is what we teach.

And take the lead in the 65 70 Family Project.

So I wanna look at these from a point of view of being on the outside.

Leaving the childhood equipped with something that will help throughout the rest of their life.

That was me.

My parents, they well-equipped us, but they did teach us self-discipline.

Now, I see a lack of vision on the parents' end and more, my kid is privileged, therefore, you are going to let him play basketball even

though he beat up the whatever

whomever and I don't care that he has straight F's.

He's playing basketball and you're going to let him play basketball.

So then that second part, discipline is not approached , and this is me coming from the outside self-discipline and then moving into that vulnerability, the communication that I see

Don't worry about it.

I will get you out of this.

And so the resilience, and being equipped, if parents were doing that, Would we not have a better nonviolent society?

100%.

That's why the work that I do, I always say the best way the easiest way, in fact, to change the world is through one living room at a time.

That is how we're going to have change that affects the next generation.

And so with this vision piece that that first piece, there's so much that comes in there that's mindset.

Right.

It's mindset.

It's who are you, what is your role as a parent?

We really dive into that and question, what do you want your role to be as a parent?

Are you going to, there's all the names too.

There's the, there's the helicopter, right?

There's the snowplow, there's the octopus, right?

There's all these things, and those are all I am watching over you and micromanaging you, right?

Which then they never learn how to manage themselves.

And then there's the snowplow.

You will never have any obstacles.

So they never know how to handle an obstacle.

And then there's the octopus parenting too,

and that is I am going to watch over you like a hawk.

There's a actual species of octopus that does this when they give birth and those those eggs hatch, they watch over them so intently that they disappear into the water themselves.

The, the, the female does.

And so then you have parent dying to self in order to protect.

And then again, that's not building so.

So I call parents architects.

We are family architects.

Our job, our privilege, our responsibility is to build, design and plan the beginning of somebody else's life.

And if we can help more and more parents get into that understanding and mindset of, hold on.

I love this child fiercely.

I love this child, but how is that showing up?

Am I loving them fiercely enough to equip them for the rest of their lives because they're going to live more of their lives, God willing more of their lives outside of your home than inside of your home.

So are you being an architect and planning, designing and building the beginning of their life?

The first half of childhood, you do it for them, right?

You're dictating life to them.

This is who your friends are.

This is where we're going, this is where what you're eating, this is what you're wearing, et cetera.

And then the second half of childhood, you're doing it with them so that after childhood they can do it on their own.

It is a training ground.

I call it the sixty five seventy training ground.

And so, It isn't just the, I have a kid, I'm going to love them fiercely, protect them with all I have, mama bear them, and then I'm going to release them out in the world and just hope for the best.

There's actually a strategic plan in parenting and my earliest work was actually in the animal field.

I started in marine hemology and with some other species out in the wild, and I'm so grateful for that because I was able to see, Parenthood and adolescence from such a black and white, animal perspective.

Before I got into the , much more heavy, human realm about over 10 years ago, I.

But even in looking at that, in that when they're very first born, it is just nurture, nurture, nurture, nurture.

I wanna make sure that you're making it, make sure that you're getting all your physiological needs taken care of, et cetera.

And then there's this training period where they are teaching the young how to forage, how to, get food, how to find a shelter, how to build a shelter, what have you.

And then there's usually a separation after that.

There are some that stay in packs or what have you, but there's usually a separation after that.

And so even in our world, in the human world, doesn't matter how messy we get or how much technology we get or what have you, the the same principles still apply.

I'm glad you have that background.

First of all, because , when I look at animals and we have a lot of animals where I'm at and looking at how they live and how the mother teach the young we have a lot of deer and a lot of fun.

We have bears and we have their cubs and just watching them teach and how to survive in the world and what they are going to equip their offspring with.

So this is so interesting and I really love the 65 70, because it's almost.

Well, it's, it's, your glass is full and let's keep it full during those 65, 70.

And yeah, when you make mistakes, you're not gonna lose, any drink out of that, you're going to build on it, but you will lose drink if you're not going to pay attention to

your four keystones vision,

discipline, vulnerability, and resilience.

Those are our key elements just in living.

But now as a coach, you're bringing those, and so talk about your coaching and how that's looking in the realm of childhood and the growth and the changes.

Yeah.

And so I usually bring in families that have kids many times daughters, somewhere between eight.

12, 13, 14, 15, somewhere in there.

And there's some that come in when my kid is 17.

Is it too late?

No, it is not too late.

Right.

And I always

hear.

it's never too late.

I'm a, I am a very visual learner.

So I, in the first half of childhood, you're, you're, like I said, building things for them.

Second half, you're teaching them all these things.

It's like you've built a boat for them in the first half.

The second half, you walked it down to the water, they're in it.

But you're connected by this rope that's 6,570, feet long.

And so when a storm comes, do this.

When you know this is how to navigate or this is how to get your food and be able to take care of that, right?

All these different things out on that boat, and when they need help, you ring them back in.

This is what we are, okay, let's try it again and let's go out.

Right?

And all these things.

And then at the end they go off and , they're on their own adventure and they come back, right?

You're consultants at that point.

You're the lighthouse.

At that point.

They can always come home, but they're off on their own adventure and you have yours too.

And But during that time, it is never too late.

You think about the, the parent that has a completely distraught relationship with their child, and then we've all seen it in so many shows and movies and, and maybe in real life too,

And every, there's closure there and there's healing, and.

Right there.

It's never too late.

Someone could go 90 years and being terrible, but just redeem at the end and it's okay.

Right.

And things have had some closure.

And so if your daughter is, or your child is 17 and turning 18 next week, there's still time to have those really vulnerable conversations and still follow the same steps.

It's just gonna be a little bit more ex expedited.

Right?

And keep in mind, brains Because I, I do a lot of that neural work in combination with this too.

Their brains are not fully, fully like online until about 25 years old.

And so even when they leave home at the end of the 65 70, they are still very much under construction in their brains during that time as well.

And so continuing to help and guide and be counselor during those times is really important.

But as far as what we do and how that looks, It really has to do with an understanding of what's going on in the brain right now.

Because a child's brain, it's really easy to look at a 16 year old and be like, they're just a, a smaller version of us, a younger version of us,

And so understanding those differences and.

Maybe why they're making decisions that they're making, maybe why they're relying or being more risky, or not seeing consequences that could come down the line.

That really helps a parent be like, okay, they're not just doing this because they hate me, or because they have a wall up, or because they're being stupid or what have you.

Right?

It's so easy for a parent to be like, I don't understand why you're doing this.

Right, and that's fair because your brain works different than their brain does right now, but.

If you understand that it works differently.

It's like a child that's just born and six months old, you don't expect them to go do your taxes, right?

And so, at the same account, there's some things that we need to train and guide in our teenagers and, and tweens or our young teenagers.

There's some things that we can guide and train and guide toward, but they're not necessarily things that we can expect them to do first run.

So it has to do a lot with understanding biology, understanding relationships, developing that psychology, and then figuring out what's going on in their culture, what's going on

So the neuro part is very interesting because my background in literacy happens to be the brain and the development, how we develop the brain for speech and oral language and reading literacy.

And it's not something that you are born with.

The brain has to be developed

Decision making.

Your amygdala has to be developed.

And in order to do that, you have to bring in skills and scenarios, and of course, as we get older, the lining starts to deteriorate.

Including the amygdala.

So kids whose brains have not fully developed and they're going off to war and seeing things or being a part of things,

And they don't know what to do with it or how to deal with it.

And then PTSD is very high especially the according to the research, these kids who are so young because they haven't had that developed brain yet.

So what you're talking about is very interesting because it, it falls along the same lines and we always hear that males take longer to develop than females, especially in

Wow.

So do you do scans of the brain at all?

No, I do not.

I rely on other people's amazing research.

There's a book I'm reading right now, it's actually on my desk the

teenage.

Brain, which

I highly recommend.

It's by

Frances E.

Jensen.

And it's fascinating.

It's, it's definitely technical, so it's not a soft read, but for anyone interested, it really does open the eyes a little bit more.

It takes me, and I love it.

It takes me back to my my college days.

I feel

Yeah.

like back.

I, I love to learn, which.

To your point and, and talking about these things, so there's two, you, you mentioned the gray matter and I wanna just kind of pause on that for a second because, so your

And so just a, a couple of fascinating facts here that the most gray matter that you will ever have, you have at about six months gestation.

Okay, so that's before you're ever born.

It starts deteriorating after about six, seven months gestation.

Right.

But why babies are born and you're like, if they have all the neurons, then like, why aren't they just, coming out and business suits and doing Mozart and what have you?

And it's because they don't have any connections yet.

And so it's like, being in a big room of a lot of extension cords that are unplugged, and so that's great.

They're just lying around.

But it's when you start connecting things over time that the magic starts happening.

So, So that being said there's two great times of pruning that happen.

And so one of them is during the teen years and it's very much a, a use it or lose it type of progress, but So things that happened when they were super young, if they were bad and they're

They might still understand the facts, but some of those emotional connections can be severed, which is really good news for a lot of a lot of adoptive cases, right, where

But also, It could be a not so good thing if you worked with them really hard in those, first half of childhood with reading and exploration and going out and, looking at things under microscopes and everything.

Second half of childhood, you're like, mm, I did that.

And now we don't really have to do that because check the box.

But if you don't continue exploring interests, going on adventures, having, discussions, reading things that intrigue them and all of that, then a lot

of that gray matter can

go and so that's something to keep in mind.

It is a pruning process that is beneficial to them in order to hone in on what they can do best.

And so

during the teen years is

such an important time to invest in interests and discussions about those interests and go on.

And I, I always think about, the soccer field, you have 20 balls.

If you keep, kicking one and going down and kicking the other, it's not gonna go very, very far you want to

leave some of them alone and kick maybe three down the soccer field and you're gonna get there much faster.

And that's the, that's the idea.

What your

brain is doing, during

the teen years now as adults.

And that as adults, we can start to deteriorate because of degeneration.

And that's a different kind of pruning, but it's intentional during the teen years.

Interesting.

What are the best ways for the less fortunate to reach out to somebody like you?

How can they, when the accessibility is limited,

Right.

And I think this is one of the beautiful things that social media can do.

Honestly, I am, social media can get a really bad rap and, and especially in the work that I do, right?

And there's reasons for that, but it can also be used for good and beautiful things.

And so there's.

YouTube,

there's Instagram or Facebook and things like that, and people can get plugged into communities and plugged into a place where they can ask those

This situation is happening.

One thing I would really encourage though, is what I notice is there are a lot of Facebook communities especially that I've seen that are just

tirades, I mean, for lack of a better word, it's just a complaining session and they have tens of thousands of people in there that are just like, sorry, I just need to vent and I just need to get all of this out.

And there, there's definitely a cat cathartic note to venting, something like that, but that might not be the place to do it because then you have

242 people that are enforcing your vent, which then just gets your dopamine rush going and saying, oh, I should do this more.

And then you're focused on the problem instead of focusing on solutions to walk forward.

So getting locked into, into a community that actually is solutions focused and positive focused, and we get this.

It's hard, and no one is saying that it's not.

And I wanna hug you, support you, and help you through this.

But we're going to work through this toward a solution.

We're not going to walk through this toward, a deep, dark hole that no one knows the way out of.

And so for anyone listening, just make sure the communities that you are in are walking you toward something right?

Toward a purpose, toward a positive solution for whatever you're going through, and not just.

A vent vent hole.

That's very good advice and social media has its positives for sure.

And and definitely the other way as well.

Thank you for sharing that.

, and you can

actually be found at nellieharden.com.

And that's n e L l i e H A R d E N.

How did you come up with 65 70?

Why did it.

Come to this.

What were you thinking when you were putting together your practice?

So, My, my dad passed away when I was super young.

I was only one and a half when he passed away.

And thank you and.

Then fast forward many, many years.

And it was it was debilitating at the time and we went through two years of a lot of things and all of our kids were there.

So I was, dealing with a husband that couldn't go up and, and my husband has always been exuberant.

Super enthusiastic very extroverted and he couldn't go up and downstairs, he couldn't get through goodnight Moon, like more than three pages without falling asleep.

Sitting in the waiting room.

That's really when I can attribute starting to put this together, sitting in the waiting room and just understanding.

We had been through two years of, at that point of really changing our family dynamic, having to be really real with one another and our kids because our kids were 6, 4, 4 and two at the time.

And so having to be very real with them going through it together, walking through it together, and.

Just being in a very vulnerable space, but it also made us so much stronger.

I look around, I looked around at other families that, were just going to gymnastics practice or soccer practice, and, and just in school, whatever.

And, and I saw that we had been through a lot, but it had made us so much stronger and.

After my, and my husband is still here today.

And but after going through those things, it, it really just set the wheel for intention and saying, okay.

This is how many days that I get to have you and I am impacting your life in a way that I will never have the chance to impact your life in, in again.

And that's this beauty of this 65 70.

You are in a role that will never be reprised.

And so when I am here, What can I do in order to best equip you to go out and live the life and impact the world however you are uniquely designed to impact it.

And so that's why that's, it goes back to that different fingerprint for every person.

I have four daughters.

They're four corners of a square.

They're very, very different.

I even have twins in the middle.

They're very, very different.

And so parenting each one of them is different also because I've gotten to know each one of them on an individual basis and what they need and how they tick and how they work

All of that and.

When you get to know them on that level, then you can better design your path of training and guidance and relationship so that you can get them to where they wanna

And so it was really in that hospital waiting room I can attribute and look back to and say, okay, dad's in surgery.

I don't know what's gonna happen.

We really didn't know if he was going to make it.

He made videos for all the girls and but I was like, this is how much time we have.

How are we gonna use it?

What a touching story.

What a touching part of your life that pushed you forward in a way you never, ever thought existed.

Possibilities are there, but we don't know of them until something occurs.

Thank you for sharing that

story, Nellie.

Wow.

That,

And so your work continues, and of course it's global.

You are global, you are bringing change to the world through 65, 70, and I love the, your tag your tagline, change the world, one Living Room at a Time.

And.

I commend you for sticking with this program the way you have set it up.

Well, thank you so much.

Nelllie we always

end your positive imprint with last inspiring words and what are yours.

You've been inspiring, of course.

And what are your last inspiring words that you'd like to leave us here with today?

I would just say I, one of the favorite sayings that we have in our house is we are raising these four teenage girls, is.

Learn how to discipline yourself so others don't have to.

And it's been a big game changer for a lot of us many times, and even for us as adults, to remember that sometimes.

. So just learn how to discipline yourself so others don't have to.

That's fabulous.

Thank you so

much, Nellie for.

Everything

that you're doing here in our world, in the community, and up there in North Carolina.

I appreciate you

Thank you so much for having me on.

I really appreciate it

To learn more about Nellie, go to nellie harden.com, N E L L I E H A R D E N.

So as you know, our little dog Maka died.

In remembrance of Maka and all of our family pets and your family pets I'm going to hold a writing contest.

I would love to hear your stories about your family pets.

Share your loving story, your emotional story.

Your funny, humorous story about your family pet or pets.

Pets include dogs, cats, birds, horses, fish, snakes, salamanders.

Whatever family pet you love, and maybe the pet was your childhood pet.

Any story is fabulous to share as long as it's appropriate.

So write those stories and send them to me via my website.

Go to your positive imprint.com and go to the homepage.

The deadline is July 15th.

So get your story in N well, what will you win?

Well, I'm excited about it.

I hope you are too.

And of course I do reserve the right to exclude and disqualify inappropriate stories.

Well, thank you so much again for the emails and for joining me here on this episode.

Your positive imprint.